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regretfully distancing myself


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It seems I must distance myself from my father, sad as it makes me. He has always been critical of my choices, from the fact I was overweight (he called me 'lard ass' and that hurt), my choice of career (although I heard through third parties that he was very proud of me) which he said I would never succeed in (I retired with 26 years), my friends, my husband (he was divorced, his ex told them he was abusive, he didn't like the way he overheard him talk to me (we were having an argument and he was listening in avidly, my choice in job location assignments, and on and on. So for my entire married life I did not visit a lot - I wrote lots of letters, but face to face...no. He never forgave me for not paying off a car I bought from them when I was 17, although he told me 'don't worry about it, we deducted it from your Christmas gift checks". He was always opinionated and spoke disparagingly of me to the relatives, all OK in his mind because 'its just my opinion....'.

All my siblings have distanced themselves, several moved across the country because he kept disparaging them and meddling in their lives. Now, that my husband is dead, I moved at his request to a place closer to where he lives. Not that it is a bad place, it is very nice, I paid cash, and it is mine free and clear. (I knew better than to ask him to help with the financing...though he was happy to come and inspect the places I was looking at. I felt blessed to have a man with 30 yrs as a building inspector on my side while house hunting, and for a while, I actually enjoyed his company. (Sigh)

With mother dead now for 6 years, he has a woman friend that he travels with in a trailer. He asked me if it was a problem and I said no, it makes him happy, go for it. And she is a nice lady, although somewhat of a clean freak, and he likes her a lot. BUT (sigh)...

now he is up to his old tricks but with a vengeance. He does not like the way I keep house (I suspect living with the much cleaner friend adds to his feelings). He does not like my pets. He threw away the Christmas gift package of homemade German cookies & pastries that my roommate and I sent him, because he said he was afraid my food had cat hairs in it. Nobody has ever found any in their food, ever, but he threw it away 'just in case'. He complained to all my relatives, and convinced some others to throw theirs away, unopened, too. Much as the hurts, I chalk it up to 'he gets a gift certificate' next year, no more goodies wasted on him.

But it huts all the same, I spent hundreds on the special ingredients and baked for a week straight to get everything done in time. (Sigh)

Now I am hearing from my brother (who only sees him when he has to) that he is telling people I am a hoarder (he saw my preps when he helped me move) and that he wants to call social services to 'check my welfare' because I have all those cats. (Sigh). Well, that tears it. I'm making this house I love so much as saleable as possible, and I too, will be moving across the country. Much as I love him (and respect him for teaching me so much about prepping, though he tells everybody 'she didn't learn this hoarding stuff from me!!") I will have to love and honor him from a distance to save my sanity, my beloved animals, and my dear and special friend and roommate (who is also crushed by his attitude). Next thing I know he will be telling everybody we are gay! Not that I care all that much about that, as long as he does it out of my hearing. I will miss being in my home state though (sigh). Oh well, when we go to Alabama we will look around, Mary tells me it is a wonderful climate and land is cheaper there as is the cost of living. New adventures (regretfully) await.

Why do parents have to be this way (wail).

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I'm so sorry for the pain this puts into your heart, Kappy. Your father obviously feeds something within his heart-deficit by being unnaturally derogatory towards his own kin...and that's sad. But reacting in this way to your preps is a danger sign. Take whatever steps you and roommate thoughtfully feel you need to take. But....that's really sad especially with all you've done to make it your home! Your brother is obviously nearby. How does he handle this? But revealing your preps to others..... :behindsofa:

 

MtRider ((((Kappy)))) :(

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North Alabama has snow or at least slush every year. About midstate, the altitude drops sharply and you enter zone 8. Both are fine climates, but they are different. Pay is better in the north, btw, but for the most part, living is cheaper in the south. Do not neglect Anniston as you explore--it is one of my favorite cities.

 

 

I have six cats now, and have had as many as eleven (counting the visitors). I've never found cat hairs in my cookies, although I have to use a pet hair brush every morning on my clothes. Your father is ridiculous as well as toxic.

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My brother handles it by avoiding contact. He'd leave too, I suspect, but has a big mortgage, is half-owner of a heating & air conditioning repair business, and wife & kids. He has been a blessing helping us put in a new (to us) forced air heater instead of a hot water boiler. He has also agreed to help us fix the place up, maybe (if he finds one at a good price) putting in central air. But basically, he just avoids contact, but he does get some flack. My dad asked him to remove his stuff from a large storage shed that brother paid to have put up on dad's land (with the idea he could use it for storage) because the new lady wants to park her cars in there while they travel to Arizona this year, even though she has her own home & garage.
That stinks, but he is removing his stuff. He hides his preps in another shed he put up on his own property.
It sure hurts to see my dad alienating his kids; even his name-sake son. Mom would be so upset.

Funny thing, Ambergris, we are looking at the Anniston, Ohatchee, Gadsen, Alexandria, White Plain & Peidmont areas. The snow would not be a deterrent to us ex-Wisconsinites! The winters would be quite a bit milder, so I could use clamp storage until I got a root cellar in. I hear the water-table is high, though, might have to make an above ground cellar.

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Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do, and it is easier to love & forgive people if you can keep them as "acquaintances". Sounds tough but you know you love them...and handling them like you would other acquaintances gives them little to talk about (except lies) and makes your job of loving & forgiving easier :-)

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I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I've had to cut toxic family members out of my life and although it was hard at the time, it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I wasn't that 'special' after all. They moved on to someone else to make miserable.

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I can sympathize Kappydell! I would at least still speak to my father and visit even after all the things he did, but my brother would not have anything to do with him. He would not even come to the funeral when Dad passed.

 

I wish you the best of luck with the move.

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i wanted a house, paid for, to live in, at peace with all. now all i want to be is a hermit.

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yes, but they existed, often becoming monasteries. They were considered 'hermits' from society, not each other.

 

I read some time ago about a fellow who lived alone on his wooded acreage in a mini-cabin he built himself. He built another cabin to keep busy, then another and every time he finished one he had a willing tenant because he charged very minimal rent. Each cabin was one room, made of salvaged and recycled items and his own wood, so they were cheap to build. Electricity was optional, because each was fitted with a wood burning cookstove and a kerosene lamp - you could add what you wanted - a hand water pump was available, as was an out-house, and a help-yourself pile of wood trimmed from when he cut lumber for building. As I recall, in later years he added composting toilets to each cabin, and a mini-fridge. He had mostly folks on disability & social security who liked the cheap rent and the solitude. He reported that over half the tenants he never saw...they paid rent in a drop box and left him a note when they needed something from town on his weekly trip in for supplies. Tenants were allowed to garden and he said a few were acoomplished foragers. Sounded like a modern day hermitage to me, and at times very appealing...

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I sort of became a hermit here. lol.... my dad is toxic with me... but I think he would appreciate some cookies at christmas at least. I am sorry this is a situation you are going through. I know how painful it is. You decide with your roommate what you want to do and where you want to go. I liked northern Alabama years ago when I saw it. I still would consider it a good place to live. I am glad your brother is helpful and also distances himself emotionally from the toxic father stuff. He sounds like he is nothing like your dad. That is good.

yea it gets cold enough to snow. Make sure walkways are treated safely, level and smooth before winter, get layers of clothes going if you are not used to the cold there in winter. I think you would like it there and its verdant if you have been on the high plains or desert living. I am trying to recall. Better growing conditions for gardening and orchards in Alabama if so..... I think you would like it. Stephanie would be near enough to go visit too! and Darlene if you do Northern AL. Great company! I cannot think of better , loving companions and caring families to hang with once in a while if you settle there, to help you heal. Don't let your own dad break your spirit and crush your dreams. We all do stuff I think where we goof. I have a couple of goofs I am still trying to fix....it happens and was a result from when I was very ill and just couldnt think, and yea I feel guilty. I am still working on getting it in better shape. But its my stuff and at least I am maintaining month to month and have shelter. things could be worse. But that happened with the car so many years ago. I dont expect a 17 yr old to have it together immediately and some times you just end up walking away. It sounds like you done good since , so keep that in mind.. I do not know why some folks in our lives are like this, but they seem to think its allright, but we know better. You just do what you need to do for yourself. If you have to stop celebrating holidays with him in anyway, you find ways to fill the gap, because he is being very childish and mean and doesn't deserve it anyway. Its not right , the way he works at harming you emotionally. That is control and abuse. You dont have to just take it. You are ok with your own life and you have done fine. Be proud of what you have done in your own life. Despite him.

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thank you all for the encouragement. I am proud of what i have done with my life, and steadfastly love and support my husband in death as in life, because I knew him better than anyone and he was a fine man, despite what his detractors say. He used to say "if someone likes you, you can do no wrong....if they don't, then you can do no right....either way there is nothing you can really do about it anyway."

 

Very true. Im looking forward to checking out Alabama...looks fine for an orchard and for hunting & fishing!

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we will visit first, but even their winters can't compete with this Wisconsin weather - 40 degress swings in temp are nothing new, and snowing sideways with armpit deep drifts have been the norm, so methinks I could handle any cold Alabama could send me...

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  • 2 weeks later...

Decatur was a great place to be a little kid when I was there, but there's Brown's Ferry... Most of the men who built it (including my uncle) seemed to be drunk most of the time. I'm astonished it's lasted this long. But for my bone-deep terror of that thing, I'd probably be living in North Alabama now.

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  • 2 weeks later...

ooofta! as the norskies 'round here say! Have to stay away from that!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I found out tonight that dad plans on selling his home (the one i spend most of my growing up years in) and move in with a girl friend. He also bought a place in Arizona for wintering over - went halves on a travel camper with the girl friend too. She is a nice lady, and they get on very well. I find it ironic though that he would do what he would have called 'living in sin' if it was one of his children....in fact he made hurtful remarks about my sister going down to florida with a boy friend (said she was 'chasing' him down there hoping he would propose...I called him on that one, said he had no right to say that stuff to the relatives, it was spreading hurtul gossip about his own daughter who was not there to defend herself. They later married, but he liked that son-in-law). He still tells anyone who will listen how much he hated my late husband and I suspect he is also telling all the relatives his opinion that Mary & I are gay, though we have both repeatedly told him we are not. (None of his d**m business anyway!)

 

I am amazed he does not see the hypocrisy of his actions versus his words. Oh well, he is in his 90s I won't be able to change his thinking now. But I do write lots of letters to OUR relatives, and they write back, without rancor or judgemental cracks, so maybe (hopefully) they do not share his opinions. I sure feel sorry for my brother, who will have to deal with him alone when I leave.

Edited by kappydell
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I'm sorry. :(

 

About the "living in sin"...

 

I'm only guessing, but most men of a "certain age" can no longer perform. And so perhaps because that particular act is no longer there, if you are trying to rationalize your own actions it would be easy to say just living together is no longer "sin". :shrug:

 

Just thinking out loud. My mother would have JUMPED at the chance to live with her boyfriend after Dad died, but in a small town and in the church she chased him to, they could not.

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I don't think he is living in sin, but I found it frustrating that he judges others by standards he does not keep himself. Me, I have tried all my life not to judge others, because "its not my job, mon...."

 

His critical behavior was bothering me intensely until I sat down and prayed, as I threw the ball for the dog to play out in the dark back yard (he has a sparkle ball he loves to play with in the dark...). As I wondered 'What am I going to do to make him stop?' the answer came clear as a gentle voice in my heart. "Judge not lest ye be judged"

 

With that my frustration just melted away and I was at peace, realizing that it was not my JOB to change him or even worry about what he does or thinks. I cant change anything anyway. But his attitude no longer bothers me. I do hope that God judges him gently when the time comes, and I pray that he finds peace and contentment in his live as he chooses to live. Now I can go back to anticipating my move and working on preparing for it, with joy and peace in my heart. God is good.

Edited by kappydell
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