What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him.
What’s the best thing to put into a pumpkin pie?
Your teeth.
Why didn’t the Pilgrim want to make the bread?
It’s a crummy job
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age!
"I was going to serve sweet potatoes with Thanksgiving dinner, but I sat on them.
"So what are you serving now?"
"Squash."
What do you get after eating way too much turkey and dressing?
Dessert, of course!
Thanksgiving Divorce
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
“You Know You've Overdone Thanksgiving If”
* You spill more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses
* Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy
* Your after-dinner moans are loud enough to signal Dr. Kevorkian
* The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!
* The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland
* You get grass stains on your butt after a walk, but never sat down
* Your "Big Elvis Super-Belt" won't even go around your waist
* You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail
* You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday
* Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy
* You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games
* A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of the 5000"
* That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn
* Your wife wears a life jacket at night in your water bed
* Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice
* You consider gluttony as your patriotic duty
* It looks like the left-overs are gonna last until Christmas
* Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this message
"The 12 Days of Thanksgiving..."
(or what seems like years)
On the First Day...
We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.
On the Second Day...
We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.
On the Third Day...
We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.
On the Fourth Day...
We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be celebrating Thanksgiving until April.
On the Fifth Day...
We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of a naked turkey carcass.
On the Sixth Day...
We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.
On the Seventh Day...
We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.
On the Eighth Day...
The word ''vegetarian'' keeps popping into our heads.
On the Ninth Day...
We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers.
On the Tenth Day...
We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.
On the Eleventh Day...
We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.
On the Twelfth Day...
We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says Amen!
Robie
