Fruit Basket Upset
Posted 17 August 2012 - 04:38 PM
I thought I'd have the week before my defense to study, actually study. I should have realized there would be some way my folks would make it otherwise.
To begin, the initial guardian had to file papers, removing me from guardian and recommending the lady of my choice. I specifically requested he tell my parents that he was merely filing 90 day paperwork and to leave the announcement of a new guardian to me. When the new guardian came on, I would introduce her and there would be very little confusion, stress, etc. That's not how it happened. This man took it upon himself, for whatever reason, to tell my parents, albeit politely and respectfully, that they would have a guardian and it wouldn't be me. They were surprised to say the least.
Dad demanded an immediate visit, IN PERSON. I put him off because I would have been backed into a corner and railroaded, something not healthy or respectful to anyone. They had a doctor's appointment, so we chatted then. As soon as the door was closed, both parents turned on me, "Why are you abandoning us? We only agreed to the guardianship because you said you would take care of us. We don't want a stranger. How dare you do this? "
I did have a lovely little speech prepared . . . .and I realized it didn't matter. They would never 'hear' it, not really, in a million years, so why bother?
The doctor came in and assured them (she had advance notice this was happening) that professional guardians could do things I couldn't and it would be for the best. So, every hurtful barb or comparison has been made - I'm rude, disrespectful, and abandoning them. I've been compared to my mother's older sister who is not a very nice person because I was asking questions and verifying IN FRONT OF THE DOCTOR that indeed, my mother hadn't been checking her glucose nor taking meds as directed. I set up my parents' medical records online and discovered what I knew in part, for a while - that my mom is categorized as a 'uncontrolled diabetic', meaning she has made a deliberate choice her ENTIRE life to not treat her health condition. This has resulted in blindness, poor bone density, and a disease to ravage her body that could have been in check.
Also aggravating the mix was a 'med mix-up' that Dad insinuated the pharmacy gave my mom the wrong eye drop, when instead it was plainly clear the mix-up was him. In addition to not needing to be filled (she had 3!), I had to spend most of a day doing damage control and putting out fires. I also apologized to the pharmacy staff profusely and my dad is banned from picking up meds at the pharmacy.
I came home exhausted. It was 100 degrees that day. In the NW, that's HOT. I was tired, dehydrated, cranky, and frankly, a bit smelly. After a shower and some water, my husband asks, "What would make today a good day?" He took me to dinner and we tried to gain perspective.
I know my parents are acting out, I knew they would. They do every month. It's just worse this time.
This took the better part of a week away from my dissertation prep. Will it affect me badly? I can't say. I won't know until next week.
I did contact my dad's psychologist and tell him of this this week's drama. His response was simple: "Thank you for telling me. Please keep me informed."
When that is all you can do, what else is to be done?
The guardianship could change hands this month or into September. I'm not sure. Until then, I hang on and be polite, pay the bills, and let them act up. Anything they do at this point adds fuel to the fact that they need a guardian. All I can do is wait . . . . and pray.
Hugs to everyone.
Posted 17 August 2012 - 06:14 PM
wife to a darling man since 1981 and mother to 3 wonderful young men.
Don't tick off a redhead it very well could be the last thing you ever do.
Posted 17 August 2012 - 06:24 PM
The DSHS worker confirmed what I knew to be true for months, that my mom's papers are in some sort of vacuum....so she started the ball rolling again.
It's very nice to be commended by people I've never met face to face - they both said that I did all I could and I was wise to involve professionals. It doesn't help with my processing right this very minute, but its nice to know.
Posted 17 August 2012 - 06:24 PM
"Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise,making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. " Eph 5:15,16
"Do not be afraid because of the words that you have heard" 2 Kings 19:6
Have you hugged your goose today?
Posted 18 August 2012 - 07:17 AM
Sis worked at the grocery store where Mom shopped; she lived two houses over. Mom would call me and ask me to drive 20 minutes in ice, snow, or rain to go buy her some groceries rather than ask my sister to do it. The only time she would call me was to ask me to DO something for her. It got to where the phone routine was pretty much "Hi Mom, what do you need?" "Oh, nothing, I just called to say hi." ~small talk about the others~ "Oh, by the way, could you...?"
With some people, there is never an "enough".
If your parents were good, kind, giving, supportive, and rational, it was a blessing you most likely never fully appreciated - it was just YOUR reality.
With those of us who have parents who either were not or have grown with age into "NOT", we certainly understand your predicament. You have positioned yourself into a position where you can oversee while (hopefully) not being beaten up by their irrationality. It seems a rational, considered response, and I commend you for protecting yourself while still protecting them.
Where words and actions disagree, the heart is revealed.
Look how often the unexpected happens... and we still don't expect it.
Posted 18 August 2012 - 09:06 AM
If you were a stranger to them, you would not allow them to use guilt and pressure you into giving them what they want.
As irrational and impossible as it sounds, they are not loving you as a daughter, but as a person that helps them satisfy their now childish demands.
I have been reading this thread for some time, and am not surprised when you report how cognizant they become when the change of guardianship was announced. I see patterns that help them maintain their 'status quo.' no matter what it takes, or who they hurt in the process to achieve that status.
Sometimes our loved ones become people we don't even know. The why, has no satisfactory answer. Your folks are enabling each other, and they see no reason to stop that behavior.
You have an upcoming goal in your education that will be a life changing event. Do not let your parents selfishly take that away from you. They should be encouraging you to beat the band, dropping balloons and cheering from the rooftops.
As I'm old as your parents, I'm stepping in to say..."GO FOR IT. YOU GO GIRL, YEA FOR C4C, go ripping in there and get that dissertation finished. When you have completed your work, there will be time to revisit all of this, if you wish. Otherwise let the stream take this upset under the bridge and out to sea.
Posted 18 August 2012 - 11:15 AM
Ya know C4C, at the end of the day you should be proud of yourself for hanging in there and trying the best you could for as long as you did and for recognizing when to call in the professionals. Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing when it's for the other persons own good. Being a parent myself, I've had to do it many times so I understand.
Thanks for the update. I've wondered how things were going.
You can't always get what you want, babe
But if you try sometimes, you just might find
You get what you need.
~Mick and Keith~
Posted 18 August 2012 - 12:51 PM
Finally standing up to my mom was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. It took me a very long time to see the value in *me*; to finally come to the realization that I had to put a stop to her manipulation and games; how all of that negatively affected my health and my life. My parents are no longer part of my life. I wish things were different and it never would have gotten to that point. I do miss them. But the only way to get along with my mom is to give her complete and total control over every detail of my life. I refuse to live like that anymore.
I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
Posted 18 August 2012 - 01:25 PM
The sad thing - with this recent eye drop medicine mix-up, I realize Dad did it on PURPOSE, so he could return an 'extra' drug and get CASH because he thinks I'm starving him. When the social worker was helping me understand this behavior, I attributed the extra medicine (Mom already had 3) to hoarding....never even crossed my mind that he would try to manipulate for cash.
During our conversation, the new guardian was asking specifics about their care, ability to care for themselves, etc. It will not surprise me if they will be moving very soon and into a smaller place or extended care facility. It's not something I could do for them.
This entire process has made me very grateful for those people who are *called* like this new guardian to work with people in difficult situations and can move the government to work on their behalf more than I ever could on my own.
Also not sending hundreds of dollars my parents' way has allowed my husband and I to really fill some voids in our pantry & bobs.
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