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Parent Drama: Doing Good In Spite Of Abuse

An Update

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#1 Crazy4Canning

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Posted 19 November 2012 - 12:49 PM

I realized it's been awhile since I've posted on here, so here's an update. It's been crazy. :sassing:

In early October, I did mention that I was railroaded by them for 45 minutes. It happened again in early November for about 20 minutes, and then a week or so ago for 8-10 minutes. :faint3:

Why is it getting shorter, you ask? Because I'm getting bolder.

Something inside me has simply reached maximim capacity and snapped. I've reached my limit for both tolerance and ability to deal with unnecessary drama. I've also stopped being a doormat and I'm slowly extricating myself from being a handy part of their dysfunction. :thumbs:

This past month, Dad's SS was cut because he had to start paying medicare costs, thank you, Mr. Obama. They took $300, the equivalent of what his monthly bills are. I had to work with the guardian to decide what to pay and what not to pay. I let her make all the decisions and I just scribbled the checks. This means that some hard decisions will have to be made about their living status as well as their care. This is EXACTLY why I pulled in the professional guardian, because I saw this happening a year ago and knew that I wouldn't be able to deal with it.

About a week ago, Dad told me mom was out of meds. It was a mix-up, because I thought the new guardian was taking care of it, she thought I was. I took ownership and filled all the scrips and of course, my mom had a fit. Somewhere along the line, Dad has either been buying insulin from a pharmacy using cash or he has not been dosing my mom correctly. He still had a full bottle of one type of insulin left. I was yelled at for getting the wrong kind, even though he told me specifically what to get. He told me to return the insulin and give them the cash, never mind telling the guardian, for they were starving. (Mind you, they have a full freezer and a full pantry - they are NOT starving in any way, shape, or form.) I was also yelled at for getting a generic meter and strips because Mom could not afford the name brand glucose test strips (They were 1/3 of the price.) After the third time of being yelled at for being careless and irresponsible, and having my mom turn on the tears to try and manipulate me, I politely excused myself left. :imoksmiley:

I then realized I was DONE. I had done all I could with a giving and willing heart - for *years* I had supported them, even in their dysfunction and tried to honor them as an adult child should. My professional life as suffered, I had put my education on hold, my own finances suffered, and so had my marriage. I was done. I realized that my parent's lack of good decisions were not mine to deal with - they are THEIRS. Their lifetime of bad financial choices did not automatically make me their savior because I am their daughter. I am their *daughter*, not a bank, care giver, gas station, grocery, pharmacy, or myriad of other things. I am under no obligation to provide for them because they have failed to plan or provide for themselves.

After venting to the guardian, I asked to be removed from the process of their care. I just can't handle it any more. The guardian noted that something that I hadn't completely recognized before - and I must say it was terribly vindicating to hear her say it - that my parents were being quite abusive and blaming me for it.

I recognize that I have done more than 90% of people would have and while a part of me still wishes I could have done better, the larger part of me knows it was impossible and I was set up to fail because of my parents' dysfunction. I am relieved that they will be cared for, and I know I still have work to do. I will be the one to sort through and deal with their storage unit - for the guardian says she would like me to - and I do want to at least get copies of family photos and things before I entrust them to Dad's care.

So. The holidays will no doubt see us in a further bad light, for I have drawn a line - not in sand but in concrete. My husband and I are not doing holidays with any family this year - AT ALL - on his side or mine. I value my marriage and my sanity too much. We are spending it alone. My husband has requested roasted chicken and the sides of thanksgiving - potatoes, pickles, olives, cranberry sauce...and my special apple pie. :) I'm happy to do it with a happy heart. :wub:

You will be happy to know this -

One thing I've started doing when my parents rain down abuse is that I turn it to good - I tangibly do something good for someone else. A week ago, on the evening of that stressful encounter, I made my husband a special dinner. He emerged from a hot shower after a cold day outside to find beef tips with mushroom sauce, potatoes, and salad. As he blinked in stunned silence for this special dinner mid-week, his teasing comment was, "Wow. I think you should get mad more often." :feedme:

This week, I am exercising my right to a drama-free holiday and giving away my turkey, the trimmings, and other things to a needy college student who is so broke she can barely afford gas to finish the term. This way, not only can I say, "I'm not doing turkey this year, so no, you can't come over", but a poor college kid and her boyfriend (and probable friends) get to have a decent meal they otherwise couldn't afford. And yes, a grocery card will be included with the box, for there's always *something* you need or don't have, and you also have to eat after the turkey is picked clean. I so wish someone would have done something like that for me when I was in college...

Blessings to you all - I wish you the happiest and most drama-free of turkey days.

:bighug2:
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#2 lumabean

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Posted 19 November 2012 - 01:47 PM

:hug3:

#3 The WE2's

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Posted 19 November 2012 - 01:52 PM

C4C! I am soooo proud of you! I too had to learn the "hard way" that I was a sort-of "enabler" and had to throw down the rope and say "I'm not playing any more". I realized that my Christian calling was to be the best wife I could be for an adoring husband that put up with my family AND kids (yes, kids too!) when he didn't have too. (My 1st husband, and father of my kids...passed away) After being the only one of my siblings that gave my dad the time of day for years he began to start spreading lies about me "using" my mom (they're divorced...figure?). I'm not perfect, so in my daughter's "perfect" world I don't fit...so I've quit trying. My son and I have a decent relationship but he despised his dad (long, long story) and he and his sister are totally dysfunctional when it comes to getting along and would love to get me in the middle IF I'd allow it. I spent 30+ years in servitude to many churches in our city, and only 2 pastors showed up for my late husbands funeral. So...when I met MM, and we knew it was a God-thing...I quit trying to get along with dysfunctional people who tried to make it look like I WAS DYSFUNCTIONAL! Again...{{{ C4C }}} and your husband sounds like a dandy and a keeper for sure!

(formerly known as Philbe)

Matthew 6:11  "Give us this day our daily bread...amen." 

Phillipians 4:19  "And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus....amen"

1 Corinthians 13:4-8  "Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant  or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.  It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things"...let me walk this out Lord.

 


#4 Annarchy

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Posted 19 November 2012 - 02:40 PM

I was done. I realized that my parent's lack of good decisions were not mine to deal with - they are THEIRS. Their lifetime of bad financial choices did not automatically make me their savior because I am their daughter. I am their *daughter*, not a bank, care giver, gas station, grocery, pharmacy, or myriad of other things. I am under no obligation to provide for them because they have failed to plan or provide for themselves.


Your statement above is the exact way I felt, when I finally gave up on my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly and forever, but I can not fix the mess they created for themselves.

You are an amazingly loving Lady and you deserve to be happy. I am glad to hear you fun things you want to do.


(((((((((((Crazy4Canning))))))))))

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God's, are Life.


#5 themartianchick

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Posted 19 November 2012 - 03:09 PM

I swear that I'm not the mushy, weepy type, but I have tears in my eyes just from thinking about all that you've been through and the fact that you're still standing!

I am so proud of you for taking the stance that you have and even managing to do something nice for someone else at a time when I know that I WOULDN'T be capable of thinking anything except "poor me".

You've done all that you can do for your parents. Now it is time to focus on you and your sweet hubby.Enjoy a quiet, low-key holiday and may God bless you and your marriage...

#6 CrabGrassAcres

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Posted 19 November 2012 - 03:43 PM

You'll always hear that little voice saying you coulda, shoulda done 'better'. Don't listen to it. Yell at it if you have to. You'll feel better for it. Showers are good places to yell, BTW. Close the door and try to do it when nobody is around that will get upset.

My deepest regret is that I let all the abuse and manipulation and using go on so many yrs. Not just mother, but my sisters and one brother. When I finally said 'no more' I got the boot from the family. Wish it had happened a lot sooner.
"Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me, for in you I take refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed." Ps 57:1


"Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise,making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. " Eph 5:15,16


"Do not be afraid because of the words that you have heard" 2 Kings 19:6
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#7 mommato3boys

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Posted 19 November 2012 - 04:22 PM

:bighug2: I like roasted chicken better than turkey any way. ;)
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#8 Ambergris

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Posted 19 November 2012 - 04:28 PM

We're having chicken too. :lois:


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#9 Virginia

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Posted 19 November 2012 - 04:37 PM

Yes, to all the above, including roasted chicken being better. You are such a good woman, and I am so proud to "know" you.
Virginia

#10 Andrea

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Posted 19 November 2012 - 04:55 PM

:bighug2: YOU GO GIRL! I know how hard of a decision this was and I admire you for it! Could you please pass the courage my way? My name is Andrea and I'm an enabler too. :sigh:


A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
Eleanor Roosevelt



#11 Jeepers

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Posted 19 November 2012 - 08:31 PM

YES, YES, YES to all of the above posters. I'm so glad your spirit wasn't murdered in the process. Some family members can be life sucking.

:bighug2:

You can't always get what you want, babe

But if you try sometimes, you just might find

You get what you need.

 

~Mick and Keith~


#12 dogmom4

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Posted 20 November 2012 - 03:29 AM

Way to go C4C! I won't even go into all the drama I've had with my mom. I stepped way back about a year ago after she did some things that were way over the line. Of course she doesn't what I'm upset about. Oh well, such is life. I'm so glad you're going to be able to take care of yourself now. :bighug2:


"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

#13 out_of_the_ordinary

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Posted 20 November 2012 - 03:06 PM

:hug3:


I hope you and your DH have a wonderful, relaxing Thanksgiving!! Since we went family-free, I actually enjoy holidays now instead of dreading them. It's unfortunate that sometimes it gets to that point. If I want to be treated like dirt, I'll sit next to a shovel.
Psalm 27:13

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.

#14 The WE2's

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Posted 21 November 2012 - 12:44 PM

Just an FYI...on how easy it could be to slip back into servitude...son's got flu, and wants us to foot the bill for his pain meds..."until he gets reimbursed by state"...said nope. Been using our spare dollars to run back and forth doing doggie duty while mom's in hospital. Then...mom called and said she was being released from hospital today, but that they had worked on her toes for fungus, so she's hobbling...and wanted MM to CARRY HER up the 4 steps to her apartment! Said...nope. We'll figure out another way. Then it was "well, I need a ramp built then!" ..said, "we'll do it later...when we can. You don't need to be going up and down yet anyway". Answer from both parties..."Hummphffff!" Our answer..."Yeah, Hummphffff!" I loved the little zinger of "if I want to be treated like dirt I'll sit by a shovel"!

ps...we're having chicken too! AND...taking a plate to mom and a plate to son. We're eating together at home and having a left-over picnic lunch tomorrow at a nearby state park....just us and Abby-girl!

Edited by Philbe, 21 November 2012 - 12:46 PM.

(formerly known as Philbe)

Matthew 6:11  "Give us this day our daily bread...amen." 

Phillipians 4:19  "And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus....amen"

1 Corinthians 13:4-8  "Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant  or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.  It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things"...let me walk this out Lord.

 


#15 Crazy4Canning

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Posted 21 November 2012 - 12:59 PM

Oh my, ladies - you are indeed fabulous! I will forever remember the line "If I want to be treated like dirt, I'll sit next to a shovel." :laughkick:

I have engaged in a bit of therapeutic self-talk. The cats look at me as if I'm crazy, but these days, it's not too far from the truth.

The drama this week was that dad failed to plan for gas to his court date. He asked me to drive him, I wanted him to meet at my house, like we've always done. "Oh, I don't have enough gas to get over there. You can get money, right?" I conveniently became busy and involved the guardian. She and his attorney encouraged him "You do need to show up even though we're resetting the trial date becuase if you don't it's an automatic bench warrant." Dad has seen this handed down many times.

So what happened, you ask? The guardian also send an email with this zinger enclosed, "Should you choose not to attend tomorrow, I must know now so I can provide for your wife's care during your incarceration." Oh yes, she's that pointed and that fantastic. I actually gave a little whoop and holler when I read that - for this is who I *am* in daily life, but who I can't be with my folks. :hapydancsmil:

Somehow, don't ask me how, Dad found gas money to drive the 25 miles to the courthouse and back. He did show. No story yet on where he got the money or who drove him, if he had someone drive him. :shakinghead:

I was so exhausted yesterday - not knowing if he went or not, or if there would be a bench warrant. I forced myself to let go and not care. The not caring was the hardest part - for I do love my parents, I just can't and won't stand for the abuse any more.

So, I have a few errands today and one small trip to the grocer before the crazies come out. I need ice cream, of all things, for the apple pie my husband has requested. :cook:

Happy holiday everyone!
All it takes to make a difference is one person.


#16 Jeepers

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Posted 21 November 2012 - 04:14 PM

I haven't been a shovel sitter ( :008Laughing:) for quite a while now either! It might be easier for me though because my parents are gone and I'm an only 'child' and I just have one adult son who is momma's boy...in a good way.

I've had to cut out some friends and beloved family members who are just plain mean though. It's easier that I live a state or two away from them too. Cousins. And I have a bunch of em... :buttercup:

You can't always get what you want, babe

But if you try sometimes, you just might find

You get what you need.

 

~Mick and Keith~


#17 lumabean

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Posted 21 November 2012 - 04:44 PM

What a visual, being a shovel sitter LOL, my goal is to be a reformed shovel sitter :)
~~
The guardian seemed to be what you all needed, she can say the things that a child (grown or not) would not be able to say -- and she doesn't have that connection so no guilt. Win win for everyone, you don't have the stress, and they get the care they need.

Have a stress-free Thanksgiving, it sounds as though a relaxing holiday is l-o-n-g overdue

#18 Jeepers

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Posted 21 November 2012 - 04:56 PM

I'm having chicken too. I'm putting a couple of breasts in the electric pressure cooker and be done with it.

You can't always get what you want, babe

But if you try sometimes, you just might find

You get what you need.

 

~Mick and Keith~


#19 Violet

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Posted 21 November 2012 - 06:15 PM

You are doing the best thing for all of you ! Just keep it up and maybe they will give up on it,too. None of you need that kind of stress.
Hope your Thanksgiving is happy !
I can, you can, too !

#20 The WE2's

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Posted 21 November 2012 - 09:49 PM

Guess what! She made it up the 4 steps! All by herself...LOL Then waited until we were out of site and called my cell phone to notify me that "you need to go pick up my meds...you have the power of attorney". Grrrr...so, I informed her I would "after you call the pharmacy and tell them it's ok because I don't carry paper work around with me, and we're going to have lunch"...it was nearly 2:00! So...trying to move further away from that shovel!

(formerly known as Philbe)

Matthew 6:11  "Give us this day our daily bread...amen." 

Phillipians 4:19  "And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus....amen"

1 Corinthians 13:4-8  "Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant  or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.  It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things"...let me walk this out Lord.

 




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