In the face of potential life threatening events...

[Darlene]

Sometimes ya just gotta laugh...lol

 

I just read this over at Monotreme's site and thought I'd share it with y'all:

 

Survival of the Preppiest or Do You Feel Lucky?

 

Originally posted on Flu Wiki, August 9 2006

 

[because the original thread is no longer available, I'm posting this as a blog here. Please note, this is intended as satire.].

 

Pete Prepper and Louie Lucky were college roomates. Pete became a successful accountant and lives in Betaville. Louie dropped out of school (too many keggers) and became a used car salesman in Widgetville.

 

Betaville’s major employer was PetPsyU (Pet Psychic University), the foremost University for educating Pet Psychics. Betaville was also known for making Bobbleheads of celebrities. Widgetville’s main industry was a company that makes a key component for nuclear power plants. Many of the inhabitants have highly specific jobs at the Nukes ‘R Us plant.

 

Pete, as his name implied, was an assiduous prepper. He read Flu Wiki and the other Flu Boards daily. He had stored enough food for 2 years, every solar gadget known to man, and an arsenal larger than Belgium’s. When Pete spoke to his old friend Louie on the phone, he urged Louie to prepare for a pandemic. Louie laughed and said if one happens he will come to Pete’s house. Pete said nothing but quietly resolved “Over my dead body!”.

 

One day Pete noticed the Flu Wiki swan was feet up. After that, the internet went down. Pete called Louie and told him “This is it”. Louie laughed, lit a cigar, and popped open a cold one before watching American Idol. Pete sealed his secretly fortified house. and waited.

 

Unbeknownst to either Pete or Louie, federal planners had drawn up a list of high priority cities that would receive a small cache of critical supplies. Bulk tamiflu had been manufactured in secret government labs for a year. Huge orders of MRE’s had been prepared. N100′s, PPARs and respirators had been stockpiled. These supplies were quickly deployed in the key cities once sattelites showed villages going dark in China.

 

Widgetville was one of these key cities. Betaville was not.

 

The hospital in Betaville went down within a week of the first case in town. Essential services went down two weeks after that. Hungry Pet Psychics went door-to-door looking for food, but were given pause at Pete’s house when his Claymore’s starting going off. Pete had plenty of ammo, thanks to an old thread on the subject he had read on Flu Wiki.

 

Meanwhile, back at Widgetville, Louie received instructions to SIP. As he hadn’t done any prepping, he was initially concerned about what he would eat. But shortly after the announcement regarding pandemic onset on the TV, some nice National Guardsmen came by with a pallet of MRE’s which they dropped off at his, and everyone else’s house. The hospital at Widgetville was fully supplied with Tamiflu. Although shifts were long and a number of people did die of the panflu, HCWs stayed on the job because they had sufficient PPE to keep themselves reasonably safe. They also knew that their families were safe at home with plenty of food.

 

One day Pete started to experience some pains in his side. After consulting his Home Health Book, he realized he had appendicitis. With a sick feeling he picked up the phone to dial 911, without much hope. Of course, no-one answered. Not being one to give up, he pulled out his Austere Surgery book, took out his medical supplies and planned to operate on himself. Positioning a mirror just right, Pete bit down on piece of wood and began to open his abdomen with a Ginsu knife. He did a pretty good job, in spite of the intense pain. Unfortunately, his anatomy was slightly different than that depicted in the Austere Surgery book, and he nicked his Inferior Vena Cava. As the blood began shooting out, his last thought was “Oh, shucks.”

 

Coincidentally, on the same day, Louie also felt a pain in his chest. He was convinced he was having a heart attack and called the Widgetville 911. An ambulance arrived shortly, staffed by paramedics outfitted with PPAR. They gave him a quick H5N1 test, found him negative and took him to the hospital for further evaluation. His heart was fine. Upon close questioning, he admitted he had spiced up his MRE with alot of Tobasco sauce. A classic case of heartburn. He was returned to his home with a stern warning not to waste the time of the first responders or HCWs again.

 

After the pandemic was over, Louie’s Used Car business thrived as new cars would not be generally available for another 5 years. Louie died 30 years later, ironically of a heart attack. His 4 wives and 10 children attended his funeral. He was interred with full honors in a magnificiant masoleum.

 

Pete’s body was eventually found and deposited in a mass grave. The only record of his existence was in dusty archive of Flu Wiki found in a few research libraries. Under the handle “I’mReady!”, he had once asked a question about how much lard to use in a dish in the Beans and Rice thread.

 

60 years latter, Louie’s many descendants resettled Betaville. They were so numerous that the town was renamed to Luckyville. No-one found it ironic.

 

Survival of the Preppiest or Do You Feel Lucky?

[HSmom]

Gave me a chuckle.